A LETTER TO THE CHILD I LOST TO MISCARRIAGE
BY PHOEBE SHIELDS
We never did get to meet properly did we? And yet, we were together for every moment of your life.
You slipped away from me, quickly and quietly, without making an impression on the world. No one even knew you were there, except your daddy and I. But you should know that you were loved. I like to think that you know that already.
Some would say that you were barely there long enough to make any great impression on me. But the thing is, even in such a short space of time, I made a space for you in my heart.
Even before you were conceived. As soon as we knew we wanted you, subconsciously, I started clearing some room. I discovered that it wasn’t hard to make a spot for you. My heart effortlessly stretched to make room. It seemed that, almost overnight, I had this special space in my heart, just for you.
But now that space is empty.
I have tried for years now to fill the hole you left. I thought, perhaps, when your brother was born he would take that space. But when he was conceived, my heart grew and created a special spot just for him, and yours was left untouched.
Now my days are filled with the normal ups and downs of motherhood. My heart and mind are often consumed with loving and caring for your brother. The empty space you left is no longer at the forefront of my mind.
But sometimes, when it is quiet and the house is still, that empty space in my heart echoes so loudly that it can’t be ignored .The hollow grief washes over me once more and I am stunned with the intensity of its power.
I have found that it is better not to fight these moments. Instead, I sit quietly and think of you and what might have been. Sometimes I even read the storybook that I bought when I was pregnant with you. I have accepted that it is ok to still feel sad about what we lost.
It seems that no matter what happens, or how much time passes, I cannot fill that void that you left.
So I have decided that I will leave that space in my heart exactly where it is. I will stop trying to fill it with other things or pretending it isn’t there.
It is your space and I am going to leave it just for you. I will carry you there always, in that space, in my heart.
Phoebe Shields is a mama of one and the co-creator of the blog P.S. It’s a Mum Thing. What initially started out as a personal cathartic exercise to help her come to terms with her birth trauma and postpartum PTSD, her writing has now transformed into a platform that aims to support and inspire other mothers. The blog is an honest and often hilarious depiction of everything that encompasses motherhood. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook or her website.