NEXT MONTH WILL BE DIFFERENT
BY DANNII REID
I stare blankly as I search for the words to say in return.
My first instinct is to admit that it has been tough. Draining even.
Every day searching for a hint; thinking that my body would magically tell me and assuming that I would have a stronger sense.
Every niggle, every cramp, every movement.
Questioning whether it’s a sign or whether I’m just slightly losing my mind.
The wait is long, the days drag and I’m left to contemplate a life that may or may not soon change.
I pick up the second glass of wine but the enjoyment is that little bit less. Whilst in the back of my mind thinking, should I though? Just in case?
Everyone says not to think about it, it will happen when you don’t, but that feels impossible.
The pressure is a combination of excitement, hope and fear and the only thing to resolve it is time.
The waiting is almost like torture.
Soon the calendar gently clocks over to our deadline and I feel justified in seeking answers.
Again I wait, the stopwatch hits the three minute mark and I glance down in anticipation; dreaming of those double lines.
But there is only one. Just the one.
I take a deep breath and convince myself there is still a possibility. I have done this all before. The answer is never done until it’s done.
I try to stay positive.
But as I wake this morning, like every month before, it has returned and the answer is clear.
Not this time.
Not this month.
My heart breaks a little.
But next month we’ll do it all over again.
Next month will be different.
It has to be.
So I glance up. Widen my smile, try to mask the disappointment in my eyes and respond:
“I’m good thanks, how are you?”
We’re taught from a young age the importance of contraception.
We’re almost scared into a sense of diligence around it; with the notion that one missed pill or the one time you have sex without a condom will automatically result in a pregnancy. Naturally that perception has it’s benefits and it’s certainly something that offers a layer of protection for our youth but as you get older and priorities change, it’s not until then that you realise you’ve been lulled into a false sense of security. A false sense of hope even.
Conceiving for some people is easy. It happens right away or by accident. But for others it can take months or even years.
When you make the decision to start a family, you grow to understand that the process is not that simple and physically, on average, there’s about a 30% chance of it happening each month. But what we fail to discuss is the mental burden that trying to conceive can cause.
In a time when you can get what you want, when you want, we’re not used to such a lack of control. I can order food from a restaurant from my couch and have it delivered right to my door. I can have a car collect me from wherever I am with the touch of a button and take me to where I want to go without even having to exchange cash. I can speak to a friend face to face from the other side of the world and feel like they’re right in front of me. All this convenience, all this apparent power, but yet I can’t control when I will fall pregnant.
This is the one of the very few things in life that I cannot predict and plan for.
Many of us suffer in silence because we’re scared to have the conversation that will result in the impending questions. To then feel like we need to take the blame for the outcome, or lack there of. It almost feels easier to dismiss the feelings and keep it light, because you don’t want to admit to yourself how much you truly want it.
I do consider myself one of the lucky ones, we’re still early in our journey and I’m blessed that I already have a beautiful child so if the universe decides that she is all I get then I still hit the jackpot. But making the decision to create something so special with the person you love and potentially not having any control over whether that comes to fruition is softly heartbreaking.
You’ve seen Teen Mom, you see your friends with kids, you’ve seen the way your parents did it; so for something so natural why is it so hard? What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.
And if there truly is a reason that restricts you from falling pregnant, it’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you’re not deserving. You cannot punish yourself for something you cannot control.
So to the mamas who are trying to fall pregnant, know that you are not alone and you don’t have to feel like you need to travel your journey in the shadows. Know with absolute certainty that your struggles are not because of you. The universe has a bigger plan and you will eventually be in the place you’re meant to be. But you need to be patient; only time will provide you with the resolution and you cannot control that.
I know it’s not easy. It really isn’t.
But remember, nothing worth having in life ever is. xx
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dannii (aka Mummy Republic) is a mother to a beautiful seven year old daughter and has a passion for helping mother’s find the elusive mum/life balance by rediscovering themselves and demonstrating that it’s ok to include yourself as a priority. She has a strong focus on mental health and supporting women by speaking about raw and unfiltered topics in an effort to show that there is comfort in similarity. You can follow her on Instagram or Facebook or check out her blog.