HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING
Image: Via Instagram/@mylifeof_love
BY RACHAEL CASELLA
This is an extract Mackenzie’s Mission by Rachael Casella, published by Allen and Unwin, available now.
‘Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.’
- Marcel Proust
I am by no means an expert on grieving (honestly, who wants to be an expert on grieving?) but I have certainly learned something about helping others through it. In some cases, the level of support you provide will depend on your relationship before the loss, however, I know firsthand that sometimes the support of a stranger or someone who was on your life’s periphery can help even more than someone close to you. People far away can move closer and those close by can disappear. But no matter who you are, please know you can help someone who is grieving.
Here are my tips.
1. Just be there. Don’t avoid people or be scared—they need you now more than ever.
2. You don’t have to talk to be there; sitting in silence just holding them works or sometimes even providing a distraction.
3. If you are unsure what to do for them then just ask what they need. Provide a list of what you could do and let them pick what they need or want.
4. Leave little care packages—food, massage vouchers, anything that would make them feel cared for.
5. Remember big dates: anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Christmas. Set calendar reminders to send a little message or note.
6. You don’t always have to be there. You have your own life, but a quick little message each day, week or month is enough to show you are thinking of them.
7. Let them share what they feel. Ask questions, even awkward ones. Most of the time people do want to speak and share, even about uncomfortable topics, so listen to them.
8. It is okay to be awkward. You don’t have to know what to say, so don’t let that get in the way of being there.
9. Don’t disappear. Be around when others fall away. Chances are that when a tragedy first happens lots of people will be around to help, which is definitely needed. But as time passes, people forget as their lives move on. They don’t realise that the pain of loss doesn’t go away so quickly for the person grieving. So be there even months on.
10. Don’t ever impose your timeline on someone else’s grief. People are all different. Some people need more time than others and no one person’s time frame is correct. And if you are in a family that is grieving, don’t feel guilty if you are mending while someone else is still deep in grief. That is okay too.
11. Don’t judge their grief. Everyone deals with grief differently. Just because someone isn’t behaving the way you think you would doesn’t mean it is wrong.
12. Just because they have one good day, don’t expect the next to be good as well. Grief comes in waves, good and bad.
13. Do something kind. Little gestures of kindness create huge ripples. The acts of kindness we received did more for our mental health than people will ever know.
14. Don’t be afraid to say the person’s name. I am terrified Mackenzie will become a dream. When people say her name, my heart sings. I heard somewhere that when a deceased person’s name isn’t remembered, they die again. So if there is no cultural taboo associated for the person grieving, say their name.
15. Say something. Anything is better than nothing. Yes, it might come out wrong, but most people will understand that you are not an expert. Silence is so loud, and I can guarantee that someone going through a hard time will remember those who were silent as opposed to those who tried. One of the best things you can say is: ‘I hear you, I see you, I acknowledge your pain. I’m here, keep speaking.’
16. Continue to share your life with them. Make them feel included in normal events, turn to them for help too. Kath was there for me every day but also let me be there for her. It gave me purpose and kept our friendship close. Conversely, people who were once good friends of mine didn’t tell me they were pregnant because they were afraid to share their happiness with me. Continue to let people in and don’t assume they won’t want to be bothered by your life.
17. Don’t minimise their pain or sugar-coat it. There is no need for you to explain their grief with quotes or clichés; it doesn’t help and it trivialises their loss.
18. Don’t say ‘Let me know if I can do anything’. While it’s a lovely sentiment, most people won’t let you know, so think of something nice and just do it.
19. Don’t be afraid of them. They are essentially the same person they were before.
20. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of them, even if the person themselves is not crying in that instant. Your tears mean you care and you have empathy.
Mackenzie’s Mission by Rachael Casella, RRP: $29.99, Allen and Unwin, Available now and to find out more about Rachael you can visit her at mylifeoflove.com or follow her on Instagram @mylifeof_love.
The views expressed by the authors/contributors on this website do not necessarily reflect the views of NotSoMumsy. The nature of NotSoMumsy is to provide a platform for mothers to share their own personal journeys and are intended for entertainment purposes only.