BY CARA TOYNTON (@mummamaze)

With the declaration of a global pandemic and the number of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) cases rising across Australia, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by everything you might be seeing and hearing right now. The uncertainties surrounding this disease along with anticipated disruptions in day-to-day life, such as quarantine for ourselves or loved ones, travel plan cancellations and possible school closures, also fuels our feelings of concern and anxiety. Our children will inevitably pick up on these feelings whether this is through listening and observing what is happening at home or at school making it important to have open, supportive conversations with them to help their understanding, ability to cope and even make a positive contribution for others.

Here are some tips, tools and resources that might help as you navigate conversations with your kids, time spent in isolation together and changes to your everyday normal life.

Acknowledge their feelings

Support your children in their sadness, confusion, and fear by allowing them to share with you their feelings of disappointment about cancelled events, not being able to see their friends or loved ones or visit places that may, until now, have been a regular part of your routine. Try not to belittle their feelings by telling them that there are other people who have it far worse; listen to and validate how they feel and let them know you understand this is disappointing.

Explain to your child that it is normal to feel worried about getting sick. Listen to your child’s concerns and reassure them that you’re here to help them with whatever may arise in the future. Your children will look to you for cues on how to manage their own worries so it’s important to stay calm and manage your own anxieties before bringing up the subject with them and answering their questions.

For many of us here in Australia we’re still in the early stages of recovery from the bushfires which required us to evacuate homes, cancel plans and stay indoors. Our children have witnessed significant changes in the behaviour of the adults in their life this year; this can be hugely unsettling for them and it’s highly likely that you’ll see behaviour from them that you find challenging.

How to respond when faced with challenging behaviour

When our children are really upset and having a meltdown, they have, what we call, "flipped their lid" meaning they're acting from the purely emotional part of the brain and the cortex (the upstairs brain, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking) has taken momentary leave or ‘switched off’. In these moments it can be helpful to HALT then, AACT.

HALT

Take a moment to pause - HALT - and ask yourself ‘why did my child act this way?’ Be curious, look beyond the behaviour and ask ‘what’s going on for your little person?’

H: Are they Hungry?
A: Are they Angry?
L: Are they Lonely?
T: Are they Tired? What else?

The ‘what else?’ might be feelings of frustration, sadness and fear surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent restrictions and changes in place.

Then, AACT

Accept: Accept how your child is feeling even if it seems illogical to you. All feelings can be accepted, some actions e.g. hitting must be limited.

Acknowledge: Resist the urge to ask questions, instead name (and match) the emotion you see or believe your child is feeling and put it in a sentence, write it down or draw it. A good way to remember this is ‘name it to tame it’.

Connect: Get down to their level and connect with them - soothe, be empathetic - before trying to redirect their behaviour. Often when children are upset, we meet them with a logical response or solution e.g. "It's okay, there's nothing to worry about" or "Calm down, there's no reason to cry or be upset". While we're trying to be reassuring, if they're in the middle of ‘flipping their lid’ it’s difficult for them to hear logic until you've responded to their emotional needs. They need to feel as though you understand. So implementing physical touch, empathetic facial expressions and naming feelings is going to be a helpful first step before jumping into solutions and trying to fix things.

Teach: Once you’ve connected with their emotional needs, then you’ll have the opportunity to teach and / or provide a logical explanation.

Try it today, this week and in the coming months and see if it helps diffuse some of those challenging moments we’re sure to face as parents in these uncertain times.

Ensuring our children feel safe, seen, soothed and secure is so important in helping them form a secure attachment which ultimately enhances their capacity to cope during high-stress events such as the situation we find ourselves in now. The ‘how-to’ is detailed beautifully in Dr Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson’s new book ‘The Power of Showing Up’. It acknowledges that you don’t have to be the perfect parent - nobody is - just simply show up, which in this instance means being present and giving them your undivided attention and compassion in the moments that require it.

Model calmness

It’s important to model calmness when discussing COVID-19 with children and not alarm them with any concerns you may have about it. Our feelings of fear and panic can be exacerbated by consuming too much COVID-19 news both via mainstream media and our social media platforms, so before talking about it with your children ensure you’ve had the opportunity to take a moment to collect your thoughts and ensure you are feeling calm. Questions to help you keep things in perspective, as recommended by the Australian Psychological Society, include:

Am I getting ahead of myself, assuming something bad will happen when I really don’t know the outcome? Remind yourself that the actual number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 in Australia is at the time of writing, still low.
Am I overestimating how bad the consequences will be? Remember, illness due to COVID-19 infection is usually mild and most people recover without needing specialised treatment.
Am I underestimating my ability to cope? Sometimes thinking about how you would cope,
even if the worst were to happen, can help you put things into perspective.

Answer their questions

Having witnessed changes at home, school and in the community, chances are your children are already aware of COVID-19 so don’t be afraid to talk to them about it. It can feel like a difficult conversation that you don’t want to have; however it’s also an opportunity to help our children practice being responsible about their health and to think more mindfully and be proactive about the health and wellbeing of others, which will serve them well as they get older and this experience translates into different contexts. Provide opportunities for them to have their questions answered by:

Asking them what they already know about the virus so that you can clarify any misunderstandings they may have;
Talking with them about COVID-19 in an age-appropriate way. For young children, a helpful pdf can be found at https://www.mindheart.co/ you can print it off and complete it with them or simply use it to tell the story;
Reassuring them that the virus is less common and severe in children compared to adults;
Not overwhelming them with unnecessary information (e.g., death rates) and limit the
information they’re consuming as this can increase their anxiety;
Letting them know that it’s normal for them to feel worried and concerned about both the virus and the current changes in their life.

Be conscious too of the language you use. We’re now commonly using phrases such as “social distancing” and “self-isolating” where for our kids we may need to explain that this means physically distancing themselves from others to protect those vulnerable in our community. Reassure them that you’ll help them find ways to keep in touch with family and friends.

Explain how they too can help

As you talk with your children about COVID-19, ensure they understand that they’re safe and then encourage them to focus on how they can be helpers in your family and the community. In this case, they can be great helpers by washing their hands and coughing into their elbows to help protect the vulnerable members of our community. By reframing this an opportunity to help others instead of panicking about ourselves, you’re helping them to identify what they have control over. A sense of control often helps to alleviate feelings of anxiety. This too can also help them to understand their role in flattening the curve and why your family may be responding differently - i.e. practising social distancing - to their friend’s family who might still be going out or attending events.

Limit media exposure

Current advice recommends trying to be with your child when they are watching, listening or reading the news so you’re able to address any questions or concerns they may have; however, I would recommend not allowing them to watch it at all as frequent exposure to media reports about COVID-19 can increase their level of fear and anxiety as it does ours.

Help them stay connected with family and friends

If your children are spending unexpected time away from their family and friends due to the need to physically isolate or school closures, help them find ways to still connect with their friends so that they don’t feel socially isolated and like they’re missing out on fun interactions.

Facetime, Skype or Zoom are great ways to allow your children to communicate with friends and also check in with loved ones such as grandparents. If you have older children with their own phones, you might choose to allow them to text or call their friends more often than you usually would.

Tips for managing screen time use

Surrounded by alarming headlines and negative anecdotes it’s understandable that so many of us worry about the screen time our children have; smartphone apps and video games are designed to be engaging, however, it’s important that we help our kids to develop a healthy relationship with tech and distractions, especially in the coming months, which is likely to see an increase in screen time use for all of us.

The research shows that parents who address internet use and screen time with kids in an autonomy-supported way have kids who are more self-regulated with respect to it and are less likely to use screen time for excessive hours. What this means is that deciding on a clear plan for device use with your child opposed to employing punishment and rewards systems is going to be far more beneficial for both them and you. Nir Eyal provides a fantastic analogy in his book ‘Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life’, he writes:

“Imagine a young child is standing at the edge of a swimming pool while their friends are all playing in the water and having a great time. The child desperately wants to jump in, but you’re not sure they know how to swim. What would you do?

We know swimming pools can be very dangerous, but, despite the risks, we wouldn’t keep our children from enjoying the water forever. Rather, once they are old enough, we’d make sure they learned to swim. Even after they’d mastered the basics, we’d keep an eye on them until we were confident about their ability to enjoy the pool safely.”

In the context of using digital devices during the COVID-19 pandemic, now is not the time to give your toddler free reign of YouTube or allow your teen open access to a smartphone and every social media platform available, however, you can begin building a solid foundation for healthy screen time use by making them aware that too much screen time comes at the expense of other things in addition to explaining that apps and videos are made by very smart people and are intentionally designed to keep us watching and contributing more. Then, foster their ability to make decisions about their screen usage and enforce their own rules. Questions you can ask might include “How much screen time per day do you think is a good amount for you?” and “How do you plan to make sure you don’t watch/use it for longer than you’ve decided?” This doesn’t mean the conversation will run smoothly or without debate, however giving our children the opportunity to learn about, and practice, setting boundaries is a good skill for life.

That said we’re all sensible adults doing our best to find a new sense of rhythm during an unprecedented event; there’s nothing wrong with letting your kids watch a few episodes of Bluey while you get some work done. In addition, if you want more information on keeping your children safe online you might be interested in the Safe on Social Toolkit.

Plan with your kids what the days are going to look like

The beautifully coloured charts making their way around social media outlining daily routines for families isolated at home look so great don’t they? Having a rhythm and structure to the day is important for our kids and helps us too, however for the majority of us, attempting to stick to a strict schedule isn’t going to be realistic; we’re adjusting to more time at home together and our children are going to be feeling unsettled with the changes taking place which may see them asserting control where they can (e.g. refusal to eat, get dressed, bath etc) and need more comfort and reassurance from you (i.e. attention). So, what can you do to ensure a rhythm to your days and to maintain your mental health?

1. Create anchor points in your day

Identify anchor points in your day, for many of us this will be meal times; commit to having breakfast, lunch, dinner together as a family. You might also like to start each day at the same time and have a simple routine of making the beds and changing everyone out of their pyjamas each morning;
From these anchor points you can create familiarity with having the same activity come next for example after breakfast we go on a nature walk/play outside, after lunch we do an activity indoors, after dinner we have a bath, books then bed.

2. Create a family checklist

We often start our days in deficit feeling like we didn’t get enough sleep before moving on to feeling like we don’t have enough time while we rush about getting everyone fed, dressed and organised for the day ahead. Take a moment to sit down as a family and create a morning checklist detailing what everyone in the house needs to accomplish at the beginning of the day. Put it on the fridge and have your children refer to it so they learn what they need to do and what comes next. Have them check off their list themselves so that over time it becomes self-directed. For toddlers and younger children you can use routine cards that they can simply refer to or pull off the fridge and place on the bench or in a basket when done.

3. Enlist their help to come up with ideas

Don’t place added stress on yourself by thinking you need to become a teacher or entertainer overnight. Enlist your children to help you come up with some of the things you can do each day. You can set parameters around this that fit with current health protocols and your capacity with work, for example, you might ask them to share ideas for activities you can do for your brain, your body, and for fun and then you have the final say as to which ones you do and when or give them a choice between two. Also ask them what they’re interested in learning about, for younger children you might help them explore that topic in-depth and for older kids you might task them with a project to learn all about their interest and get them to teach you all about it on Sunday night.

Activities for kids at home

Did you know that play has its own neural circuitry and that when children feel safely connected to others, the circuitry of play is naturally activated? Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp describes play as one of the major brain sources of joy; it can help children (and adults) heal from painful experiences and develop self-regulation and empathy. We’re wired to connect, and shared joy strengthens bonds so the next time you feel like you are “just playing” with your baby, toddler, or older children you are doing so much more than that.

While you can find me playing cars, building lego and the usual games of peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek with my boys, I also set up invitations to play in our home. Doing so helps me to manage my time ensuring breakfast gets made and dinner gets on the table at a reasonable hour while also encouraging their capacity for independent play. I leave the choice to engage in an activity and how an activity is completed up to my boy’s imaginations.

Here are some ideas for getting started with setting up activities for your kids at home:

Raid your pantry

I know many supermarket shelves are currently empty, however, you might already have on hand items that can make for some fun sensory play. Dried lentils, mung beans or chickpeas can be used for diggers, a pouring activity, hiding magnetic chips and more. Rice can be used for making rainbow rice and shakers. If your children really want slime but you want an easy cleanup, make some oobleck by mixing together cornstarch and water 2:1 with a little bit of food dye.

Mix together bicarb soda, vinegar and some food dye to make explosions and volcanoes.

Pour a thin layer of milk into the bottom of a dish or tray, let your kids add a few drops of food colouring, dip a cotton bud into some dishwashing liquid then dip it into the food colouring and watch it expand.

2. Raid the recycle bin

Raid the recycle bin and set up an innovation station with boxes, toilet paper rolls, tape and other bits and bobs for them to make a creation of their choosing.

Make animals out of milk cartons or homes for some of their favourites toys.

You can make trees out of egg cartons, turn them into colour matching or counting activities and so much more.

Great instagram accounts to follow for more ideas and inspiration include @busytoddler, @recycleandplay, @7daysofplay, @mothercould and I’ve just started one should you find it helpful at @makeplayexplore.

You might also like to check out Whole Beings if you’re in Australia or Other Goose if located in the US. To support all quarantined families, Other Goose is currently offering their curriculum for free for the next 3 weeks.

Take care of yourself

Having a sense of purpose can really help us to cope when we’re feeling overwhelmed and emotionally fragile. For many of us, our sense of purpose can be derived from taking the recommended actions to help flatten the curve thereby protecting those vulnerable members of the community and the incredible healthcare workers on the frontline.

Your children will pick up on your own responses to unfolding news, it helps them to know you’re calm and in control. You can’t pour from an empty cup so if you’re feeling anxious or upset reach out to your family and friends and ensure you’re not putting added pressure on yourself trying to establish the perfect homeschool or make every moment of the day fun and exciting for your children.

What our children will remember in the future about this time is how we handled it and the coping mechanisms we modelled. Instead of saying “I’m stuck at home with my kids!” name it to tame it and externalise some of your problem-solving skills so they have the chance to learn from you.

Explain to them that things are going to be different this week and you’re going to take it week-by-week together as a family.

When they inevitably come to you out of boredom, due to conflict with a sibling or disappointment at not being able to see their friends, use these opportunities to help build their prefrontal cortex by remembering to acknowledge their feelings rather than try to fix the problem or convince them their feelings are not valid. You might say “You’re saying you’re bored, what’s your plan? How can I support you in finding something to do?” Understand that the chances of you being interrupted while working from home are high and you may need to sacrifice your time to facilitate play and learning especially with younger children.

It’s likely, too, that in these coming weeks and months your approach to managing the COVID-19 pandemic will differ from your family or friends approach. While it can be disappointing to see others not adhere to the guidance we’ve been provided with, it can be helpful to remember that everyone is doing their best. Brene Brown writes “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” As we learn more each day and adjust our actions accordingly, trust that others are doing the same.

On a practical note, one of the most important things you can do at this time for yourself and for the community is to make your home a place you want to be. Do you need to move things about to facilitate play or create a designated home office space? Think now about what is going to make your days run more smoothly and what also allows you to rest and recuperate.

Finally, try the 'Three Good Things' exercise; at the end of each day, write down three things that went well in your day and reflect on why they went well. This simple exercise shifts our focus from what went wrong and what we couldn’t do, to the things that went well that we may be taking for granted. This exercise has been well researched and shown to strengthen resilience, improve happiness and minimise feelings of depression. Together we’ll get through this. Take each day as it comes and use this time to invest in your family and yourself.

Where to seek mental health support

If you feel that the stress or anxiety you or your child is experiencing as a result of COVID-19 is impacting your everyday life, a psychologist or social worker may be able to help. They are highly trained and qualified professionals, skilled in providing effective interventions for a range of mental health concerns, including stress. Your GP can recommend and/or make a referral for you and you might be eligible for a Medicare rebate. I know that many of my colleagues are adhering to social distancing guidelines and providing sessions via phone or zoom so you do not need to travel to access support.

At the time of writing Lifeline telephone, text and web chat services are continuing as normal throughout the COVID-19 crisis. To contact Lifeline phone: 13 11 14 (24 hours/7 days), text: 0477 13 11 14 (6pm-midnight AEDT, 7 nights) or chat online (7pm-midnight, 7 nights).

Helpful resources and where to find more information

This article is by no means exhaustive, please find below a list of helpful resources including those I’ve referenced in this post:

World Health Organization
Australian Government Department of Health Health Direct
Australian Psychological Society

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cara Toynton is a Child & Family Therapist, Photographer and mum of two amazing boys. You can find out more on her website or follow her on Instagram.

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The views expressed by the authors/contributors on this website do not necessarily reflect the views of NotSoMumsy. The nature of NotSoMumsy is to provide a platform for mothers to share their own personal journeys and are intended for entertainment purposes only.

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTING THROUGH THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC